1. |
||||
|
I find this fear to be crippling.
I wanna burn, I just don't wanna burn out. Don't step on my own toes.
I wanna be realistic, but I don't wanna be imperfect, and if I hold onto you now I know its gonna be worth it.
And every prayer that I can muster seems to be riddled with puddles of anxiety. For some reason I struggle to believe it when I tell myself that you're close to me, but you are the most of me. So why to I find fear in keeping you close to me.
There is an irony that perplexes me and an irony that surrounds me, and it is this: I'm so afraid of failure that I'll dwell inside it constantly. Like my passions don't matter to me and I don't match my morality. This isn't what I want to be, this isn't what I'm supposed to me.
So Father God, please help me remember to be the man that I'm supposed to be. Father God, let me burn, but not burn, knowing you are the strength of me. Father God, I know your past blessings flow in abundance further than what my eyes can see. So Father God, why do I doubt there will be any change in me?
I wanna be realistic, but I don't wanna be imperfect.
|
||||
2. |
Terrible
03:05
|
|||
|
Growing past the teenage angst, I find myself still trying to be something people would like to see.
Its terrible.
Growing up the past 3 years, I know that I know better than to let the view from someones eyes define the way that I see me.
Its terrible.
|
||||
3. |
||||
|
I find myself lost in the background of everything that really matters.
I don't want to lose you.
A broken relationship broken by my own hands. Time and time again, I have failed you. Missed opportunities, lack of community, separating myself from those who want nothing but the best for me. Give me your eyes to see, to see me as you see me, because all I see is a child unworthy. So just as I shut them out I shut you out. I don't wanna lose you Lord, but the noose is already tied. Don't let this fall be another failed attempt at flight. I don't wanna die, but I don't know how to live. I don't wanna lose you. I don't wanna lose you.
I don't want to lose you.
|
||||
4. |
Moonlight
03:21
|
|||
|
My eyes have dried in the moonlight. I don't want it, I don't want it. I wouldn't know how to treat you right. Oh God, I want it. Lets find whats best for you.
|
||||
5. |
||||
|
I lie awake, pondering it all. I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to hurt you.
Something that I’ve been learning more and more in life is that theres more and more to learn about myself. That pain manifests even when I don’t know that its there and I have closets and upon closets with shelves of bottles upon bottles of problems. And those bottles break and smash when I dare to move so God forbid I don’t stand still. I never should have let you in my closet in the first place. The labels on the bottles had been so worn that you and I couldn’t see what was in them. So I would break your bones every time we attempted walking in tandem. And I would put my hand to them, but standing alone in the dark is never a safe ordeal.
Believe me say it was subconscious, believe me when I say I didn’t want this. I am not malicious, I was just blind to witness myself tear you apart out of fear. Dear you are worth more than the addictions of a hypocrite, and you are worth more than residing where my broken heart sits. I hope the good in you is still glowing. And you have every reason to hate me, but please know I am growing. I never meant to hurt you.
I lie awake, pondering it all. I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to hurt you.
|
||||
6. |
||||
|
I'm struggling again, not recovering again. I thought that these endeavours were a means to an end but I'm sore, and I'm torn. Same four walls, same problems, different friends.
These addictions have got the best of me, wether its smoke in my lungs or fake intimacy. Now I'm living in the ghost of a broken record, forever I've been haunted by these same repeated words:
"You know you've ruined everything? Your blackened heart is seeping in.
You know you've ruined everything? To everyone thats let you in."
I hope the needle stops some day. I hope these thoughts will stop some day. I hope the needle stops some day. I hope these thoughts will stop.
"Start bleeding from the wrists again."
The blood has never left my skin.
"The smoke has filled your lungs again."
Yet I will never cease to sing.
"You can't escape addictive sin."
I'll never let these demons win.
"You know you've ruined everything?"
I am a child of the king.
I am a child of the king.
|
||||
7. |
||||
|
Break my towers down, I wanna see you in my weakness.
Somehow I got taught to admit my weakness like a 7th grade secret. Like something I’m ashamed of. Like Digimon action figures or a Rom-Com collection. I used to fear cameras, physically and metaphorically, and magnifying glasses and microscopes and anything that could expose the cracks in my foundation as if vulnerabilities becoming visible is the cause of collapse. Haha! No.
In reality my weakness isn’t a shame or a secret, but a hymn. Something to be rejoiced in. Admitting at the architectural miracle I’ve always needed because its the place where your power is perfected.
Every time I draw back the curtains, point out my insecurities, the way I shake beneath my responsibilities, how fear rots me out from the inside and selfishness has gnawed through my support beams you are seen. Filling in the gaps, mending the breaks, doing ALL that I cannot. The more the curtains come back, the less of me there is, the more of you.
So now I’m trying to remodel altogether, throw away the curtains, break down the walls, lay all my rooms bare, and expose, put up signs to proclaim my weakness. Not to hide it, but to tour guide it, point it out like a realtor selling the features. Not a falling down church on the side of a highway but a lantern, hung with intention. Every crack singing with light.
Break my towers down, I wanna see you in my weakness.
My life became a kind of, back and forth cycle of ups and downs. And the more I tried to hold myself up on my own, the more I realised how hopelessly lost I am without you.
|
||||
Autumnboy England, UK
Experimental Emo from the United Kingdom.
Autumnboy recommends:
THE GLOOMY SIDE OF FAITH
by Hands & Feet
Anthony has a very raw and real way of expressing his struggles, and expresses to help others that deal with the same things. Check out his works.
go to album
The Sidewalk Hymns
by Chris Bernstorf
Chris is a man that seems to bring the love of God with him everywhere he goes. I love his honesty and creativity, it really shows in his poems. Check him out.
go to albumIf you like Autumnboy, you may also like:
The songs on “Bruma” feel impossibly still—rising mists of piano and electronics that hover like ghosts.
go to album
the book about my idle plot on a vague anxiety
by toe
featured on Bandcamp Radio Nov 15, 2022
go to album
featured on Bandcamp Radio Aug 29, 2023
go to album
Longer Form Cat Calls
by jobfit
The latest EP from jobfit explores the intersection of electronic music and spoken word, setting vivid writing over crackling beats.
go to album
